It's so hard to go through day after day pretending that nothing is wrong, and that I'm strong, and I can overcome this heartache. I try with every shard of my heart to pretend that I'm healing, when I'm just regressing into nothing. I deny myself indulgence to tears, or even the thought of needing them. It's so hard to feign smiles and jokes when the only thing in the back of my mind is escaping. I want to escape so badly, and forget about this school, the people, my pathetic nothingness of life here. These mountains depress me an exhaustive amount, and with snow in October, they might as well laugh in my face.
Yet, I will continue my masquerade, and parade around deluding my pain with the knowledge that at least we're still friends. Even if it's nothing more. Even if we both couldn't make it more, anymore. Time heals all wounds. I've told myself that every day for the past month, and I don't know if I'm questioning it or starting to believe it.
I don't know what sprout this intense lamentation, but I'm going to end it before I trap myself in my mind.
Hawthorne once said: "What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self!" and I agree perfectly with him.
Last Friday, a bunch of us got in trouble for drinking. Apparently someone (maybe) had called in a noise complaint at 12:10 (quiet hours are at midnight), and the one of the RA's came to the door and knocked. Blake answered it and was like, "Can I help you?" The RA was like, "I have a noise complaint, but I smell alcohol on your breath, so I'm going to come in and search the house." Blake was like, "It's Listerine." But obviously the RA didn't believe him and called the RD. There were some kids playing beirut with water, and apparently we're not allowed to play drinking games on campus, even though there's a college sponsered beirut event in Hoosac Harbor, with rootbeer.
Anyway, this entire time I was in Dustin's room talking to Kyle. Chris W was in his room sleeping, and Nate was downstairs sleeping. In the common room was Dustin, Ryan, Dave, Kara, some other girl, Blake, Ben, Chris B, and Jimmy. I think that's all. I didn't even know the RA or the RD were in the house until way after they had been in there. I guess the RA knocked on Nate's door and was like, "Have you been drinking tonight?" And Nate was like, "Yeah..." hahah. So he took down all of our names, and apparently we have a hearing to go to. I don't even know. So lame. I mean, there's more to this story, but I don't think it's right writing it in here.
Saturday was really boring. Dustin, Ryan, and I went out to the Moonlite Diner for breakfast.
Sunday, Dustin and I played tennis. We got papa ginos. Took a walk.
I've been hanging out with so many people lately, and socializing way too much. None of my work is getting done, so I really have to buckle down now and do homework. I have 3 research projects to do as well as a crapload of reading. Physics is piling up, and I'm not putting in any effort, so I just keep digging myself into a bigger hole. Psychology is also really annoying, and I always forget about that class, so I've missed homework. Not good.
Ok, I have to try and make an appointment with an English advisor for my schedule. I went earlier, but the secretary wasn't there, and I wanted for 8 minutes. The office was stiffling hot, so I left. I'm going to go back now before Shakespeare.
Ok, so I haven't updated in a massively long time. A lot of stuff has been going on that I have just sort of been denying or hiding or pushing away, and I still feel like doing that, so I'm not going to write about personal feelings.
Instead, I'll write about the going-ons in my life and others.
I'll start with last weekend. On Friday night, everyone was hanging out and drinking and stuff, and it was a good time. Dustin went on a quest for pot, which I hear was a very amusing experience. I think we watched No Country for Old Men that night, but I can't really remember. The weekends are all just sort of melding together. I do know that around 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning, Kyle and Dave came back to my townhouse to play guitar hero, and then Dave was like, "Let's do something! Let's go for a walk to the haunted tunnel!" So it's about 2 am and we walk to the Hoosac tunnel. It was an experience. We had to trek through this wood path in the dark, and then walk rail road tracks for like a mile and a half, and at one point there's this bridge that just has wood planks with openness in between them, so I had to walk really slowly across them with Dave and Kyle holding an arm. It was scary because your foot could have gotten stuck and twisted your ankle, or lost a shoe or something. So we finally get to the bridge, and we take xscenex pictures. So, we're walking back, and Kyle looks back and sees this bright light. Yeah, a train was coming. So we're like SHIT, and we hide over on the side of the tracks, but the train is like 5 miles long and really long, so we decide to run down this really steep wooded hill to get back to the road, and a tree branch hit me in the face. It was goofy, and really really cold! I couldn't fall asleep until like 5 in the morning because I was shivering.
Then, Saturday. Dustin went to Jeff's house that night. I stayed at TH 15 with the usual people, and we played Kings and ToD. It was friggen goofy as usual! Chris W is so funny and open when he gets drunk. It's hilarious. So, it was Kyle, Chris, Nate, Dave, and me, and it got really awkward, so we stopped playing since I was the only girl. At that point, the room was spinning so unbearably. I think I drank like two 40's in about 2 hours. I sat down in front of the toilet and Dave was rubbing my back, Kyle was holding my hair, and Chris was sitting in the doorway, and they were like, "Just let it out! Just let it all out!" so then I just started crying really badly and laughing at the same time, so Kyle started singing the song "Lean on Me," and everyone joined in, and it was probably THE goofiest and heart warming thing I've witnessed in a long time. I never did puke, though, even though at one point I chugged powerade that I remember being really cold. So, after that ordeal, I sat down on the couch and ended up passing out while watching Dodgeball. I woke up when when fat Ben Stiller was licking his boob and I remember feeling really nauseos. It was like 1 in the morning, so Chris walked me home, and I passed out until like 10:00 the next morning.
Sunday. I don't really remember.
In general, things are weird because Dustin, me, Kyle, and Alex all broke up around the same time, so emotions are crazy, and things are awkward. Hopefully they get better, though, and everything can feel more natural and fun.
I think I'm getting Indian food with Ryan tomorrow.
On Saturday, Dustin, Alex, Kyle, and I are going to 6 flags. Hopefully Nate can come too. He's trying to get tickets.
*sigh*
School work is piling up! I didn't do physics homework that was due today. Woops. That shit is so hard to understand. I thought I was doing a problem right, but I got the wrong answer, so I just gave up on the rest of the homework. I have so much reading that I just can't get through all of it. Of course, writing in LJ isn't helping.
I have to read 6 Hawthorne short stories by tomorrow. Luckily, I've already read 4.
I also have to read 68 pages of "The Man Who Lived Underground" by tomorrow.
As well as the 700 page novel, "Invisible Man" by next week
AND the novel, "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" by early november.
OH, and Richard the 2nd.
GAH!
I also want to talk about scheduling, but I'm not going to right now. It's stressing me out too much. I'm going back to my Hawthorne readings.
So far this weekend has been pretty goofy.
I got home yesterday after sitting in a lot of traffic, and we ended up getting some Chinese food. I just hung around the house and talked to mom and dad for a while. Oh! Stephanie and I went to Stop and Shop to get hair dye and saltines for Marissa since she's sick.
Today, Mom dyed my hair and then we went food shopping. After that, I got my hair cut and all the hair dressers loved my hair color (as usual) lol. And I got my eyebrows waxed, so I don't have a forest growing on my forehead anymore. I went to the mall, and Bob was there with his 1 year old daughter, so we talked for a little bit. It was a little weird, and I didn't really know what to say. His kid is so cute though. Her name is Mercy lol. I got a sweater and a scarf, and Sarku Japan food. Mmm. Came home and Darren and Denise were over. They gave me a 25 dollar Visa gift card for designing their tattoos. Yay! Then, downloaded some music, and Tara and Kristina came over. Tara and I walked for a little while about lots of things. I performed a conservation test on Kristina with 2 glasses of water. Lol. It was funny because she answered exactly how the psych book said she would. Oh, earlier that day, Nan came into my room and talked for like 45 minutes about Justin and her trip to California. It was sort of weird since 1) she never comes into the basement and 2) she never talks to me. Then she told me to print her some of my poems so she has something to be proud of. Ok, so Josh came over at like 9:00, and we went to see Quarantine. It was decent. We were both anxious and scared the entire time. Then we went to Wendy's, and called it a night.
It's weird being home in the sense that I feel like a part of me is missing. *sigh* I have to admit, it is nice going to places and having people know me, instead of walking around MCLA as one of the many nameless faces. I don't want to turn this into an angst filled entry about how much I miss Dustin, so I won't. But, future Kirsten who will read this next year today, please know, that I do.
This world is either 1) extremely small or 2) heavily relied upon by fate.
Ryan and I were listening to Copeland and he was like, "This sounds familiar," and I said, "It's Copeland... I saw them a few years ago." And Ryan was like, "Oh me too!" And I was like, "Yeah, I suffered through The Starting Line to see them," And he was like, "Hahah me too!!" And it turns out we were both at the same concert at the palladium in Worcester 3 years ago.
I love when shit like that happens.
It hasn't gotten easier.
There's just random points in the day where I start crying. It's hard to imagine my life without Dustin, and even though I know it's possible, I don't want it to be. I just want to go back to normal. I want it to be the way it used to be. Luckily, there are enough distractions through out the day to keep my mind occupied. The days just seem to take so long to get over with. I feel like we broke up months ago, instead of 2 days ago. I'm a wreck, but I'm trying to look composed. We'll see how long that lasts.
I hate the rain.
It hurts so badly.
I always envisioned the day this would happen, and I regret ever wasting my time thinking about it.
It's so hard to function normally when everything reminds me of you.
