I'm In A Book

Work! GAH! I've worked 8 hours the past three days. I am so exhausted. I never knew books were such a popular Christmas gift. I've done so much wrapping that my fingers are chapped and cut. People are slightly less obnoxious in the winter than they are in the summer, which is a relief, but there's still the idiotic customers that plague the retail world. Dave Place came into the bookstore with his grandmother. I haven't seen him in SO long! I invited him and Zack to my bday party. I hope they can come. I guess they're home from touring to write some songs and he asked me to look them over and stuff. Sure, why not? I doubt it will happen, but I'd do anything to help a band that is inevitably going to become famous haha.

Yesterday, Cynthia took me out to lunch at Bobby Brynes because I was really upset. It was fun! I really like her.

Marissa is still in the hospital, which means we have to go there tomorrow for Christmas. I'm so sick of the stress and such that it's putting on my family. I wish she would just hurry the fuck up and get better. 

I'm so hungry, and I wish my parents would pay some more attention to me.

WOOOO! Stoked! Thank God for Ryan's help in Physics. I thought I was going to get a C because I did so poorly on the final!

I have some time, so I will update.

Marissa's been in the hospital since Wednesday. She's up at Brigham and Women's in Boston, now. She has a tear in her esophagus and water around her heart. I guess she had been throwing up for like 2 weeks with a stomach bug, and that's what caused all of this. She still keeps puking though, so it keeps ripping her esophagus, and it's hard for her to get better. Mom and Dad had spent the past two days there, so it's basically been just me in the house. Nan and Steph are here off and on; they don't really count.

We got that large snow storm. We got like 6-8 inches here. I woke up this morning at like 11, and immediately went outside to shovel. I was out there shoveling until 12:30, when Danny Smulski drove by and said he'd come back with his snowblower. It was really nice of him, and it went by so much faster. My arms and back are so sore now. So, I showered, ate some lunch, took a nap, and then worked from 5:30-9:30. 

Work was pretty much dead. It was Cynthia, Katie, and me. I think I have like 26-28 hours next week. It seems like a lot, but it's nothing compared to the 40+ hours  I had every week during the summer. I'm just not used to working. Cynthia is really cool though. Unfortunately her party tomorrow is cancelled because of the weather and sicknesses.... oh well. 

Katie and I went Christmas shopping two days ago. It was really fun. Then we went back to her house because her brother was having a party. It was funny because her brother was passed out in his bed, and his friends were just downstairs or outside in the yard partying. Goofy times! Oh! "Black Cass" was there. Blast from the friggen past.

Yesterday, Josh and I went to Carbos for lunch. We made a script, which we havent done in forever! 

My lips are chapped, and I am so weary.

Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day?
I don't think I would let anyone, but I'd want to read the thoughts of everyone else

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Sometimes I sleep with Gundy when I'm really sad or lonely

Last thing that really scared you?
I'm not too sure

What did you do last night ?
Came back to MCLA, hung out with people

Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else?
Very.

What happened at 9:00 am today ?
I just woke up.

Whats your current problem?
I have a lot of work to do with little time to do it, and no motivation to speak of.

Are you excited about anything today ?
I'm excited for physics to get over so I can make progress on my research paper and skip Shakespeare. Also, HEROES!

Something you do when you are mad or upset ?
Get really quiet. Give dirty looks. Cry

Did you cry at all today ?
Nope

Is there something you want to tell someone?
Yeah, there is actually.

Are you ticklish?
Verily.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
Ryan

Do you miss someone?
In an abstract sense, yes.

Do you use an alarm clock ?
Yeah, ugh, I hate my alarm clock at school

Are you a social or antisocial person?
Very Social.

Do you trust anyone?
Some people, but it's not easy for me to do.

What were you doing at 5 in the morning?
Sleeping

On average, what do you think you cry the most about ?
Jealousy, being really angry, rejection

What are you listening to?
Coldplay

How many girls would you just love to shoot ?
2

Who was the last girl you talked to today ?
I have yet to talk to a girl today

Who was the last male you talked to today ?
Dustin

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
Class from 9:30-5:00, homework.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a D or J?
Yeah, both.

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
Yeah

Something you're looking forward to this month ?
Christmas I guess.

Have you ever been to an art museum?
MFA.

What's most stressful right now?
School and trying to get a job over the winter

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night ?
No, I got like 7

What were the last words you said to your dad?
"Sorry about the car"

What's one action you do when you're really nervous?
I touch my nose alot, or fix my hair, or play with my fingernails.

Are you in a good mood today?
Compared to most days

Are you currently frustrated with a boy or girl?
Not frustrated. I'm sure there's a different word.

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have?
Yeah, story of my life in high school haha

Last thing you thought deeply about?
Transcending, and how I should go about doing it

Where is the boy you want most?
In his room

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
Not at all

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Haha yeah, a lot

If your ex walked to your house, would you let them in?
Depends on which one. Dustin, of course.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you?
Kyle

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed besides yourself?
Gundy

Whose bedroom were you in last?
Dustin's

Who was the last person you yelled at?
Kyle and Ryan about comic books

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Soda bottle

How many windows are open on your computer?
5

In the past week have you gotten sick?
I had a belly ache yesterday, but I didnt get sick

Who was your last call from?
Jared

Will you be in a relationship next month?
Probably not

Are you someone who worries too often?
Yeah, I'm the epitome of anxiety.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Like 1:30ish because I wasn't tired until then

Do you like to cuddle and snuggle?
Yeah :)

What does your hair look like today?
Down

When is the last time you saw number 1 on your top friends?
Yesterday

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
Yeah, I would. I would have tried harder to resolve certain issues.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Oh, I'm sure.

Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Sure

Do you know what you're wearing tomorrow?
Nope

What do you currently hear right now?
Bush

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
H&M

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
Lots of people

How long does it take you to shower?
Like 15 mins

What was last thing you drank?
Coke

Does your ex miss you?
In certain ways, I think.

So I haven't done a real update in a while. Life here just seems so uninteresting and mundane. I have a few minutes so I'll just write down some general things.

School:
I have so much shit to do. I finally finished my Melville and Hawthorne research paper. It's 10 pages. Not bad. I did it on the Agatha Letters. I still have an African American Lit research paper due (I think I'm going to do it on music in their literature) and a Shakespeare research paper (I might do it on Shakespeare's portrayal of Renaissance men in his plays). I'm doing averagely in Physics. I actually think I bombed a test today. Developmental Psychology is so boring and I always forget about assignments. I have to do a wiki web page for that class over Thanksgiving break. I actually have a lot of work to do over break. *cries*

Last Thursday, in African American Lit, we were discussing Beloved. Langston was reading a passage out loud and then all of a sudden he started crying. The entire class was like "What the..." I honestly thought he was having a heart attack. I heard his voice choke up, and when I looked up from my book, his face was bright red, and he just sat down at the desk and cried. One of the girls in the class got him some tissues. Another girl emailed him, and Langston emailed her back saying that the passage made me emotional as well as the whole Obama winning the election, and some other stuff. She forwarded me the email, but I don't feel right posting it publicly online.

Social:

I've still been hanging out a lot at TH 15. Pretty much get drunk every weekend. It's starting to get a little boring. This past weekend was weird, though. On Friday night, we all got drunk and played Cranium. It was actually pretty funny. Then Chris burned his hand on the oven and that sucked really bad. The bathroom light was broken, and the cold water hasn't been fixed, so I was sitting with him in the bathroom with a flashlight while he was puking, and Dave, Kyle, and Dustin were trying to find cold water to pour on a ripped shirt to wrap his hand with. Luckily, the burns weren't THAT bad. There is a blistered outline of the stove though haha.

Saturday was even weirder. Ben brought back these 3 really drunk girls, and they all made out with frosting. Just weird.

Thankfully, I didn't have a meltdown this weekend towards Dustin, like I usually do. Things between us are ok, but weird. I guess that's the best I can put it. I feel jealous when he talks to other girls, even though I have no right/reason to. I feel guilty when I hang out with other guys, and not him. It's hard to face when he doesn't come over anymore or invite me to do stuff. BUT it's all part of moving on, and I just have to accept it.

That's about all I have time to write.

Proof that Death Cab for Cutie is a transcendentalist band:

1. The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
   And disappeared with everything that you held dear <----------
   But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
   Cause you knew you were finally free (Thoreau)

1. Well it's a drab routine, the dust starts building
   until it's hard to come clean. (Emerson)

1. But we just talk about the people we've met in the last 5 years.
   And will remember them in ten more? (Whitman)

1. I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective. (Thoreau)

1. Brooklyn will fill in the beach eventually and everyone will go except me. (Whitman)

1. But all of the parts are the same on every face (few variables change).
   The differences pale when compared to the similarity they share (All)

1. Your heart is a river that flows from your chest
   Through every organ
   Your brain is the dam
   And i am the fish who can't reach the core. (Whitman)

1. Sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
   The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends (Whitman)

1. I'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
   And crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself (Thoreau)

1. My brain's repeating
   "if you've got an impulse let it out"
   But they never make it past my mouth. (Whitman’s barbaric yawp)

1. I wish we could open our eyes
   To see in all directions at the same time
   Oh what a beautiful view (All)

1. I want to live where soul meets body
   And let the sun wrap its arms around me
   And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
   And feel, feel what its like to be new (All)

1. The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
   And all the different names for the same thing (Emerson/Thoreau)

UnjustCoho: Oh me, oh my.
SingOverMyRadio: Oh me, Oh life!
UnjustCoho: seriously.
SingOverMyRadio: of the questions of these recurring....
SingOverMyRadio: I have one, who are you?
UnjustCoho: CodyBrom
UnjustCoho: Cody Brom
SingOverMyRadio: well, if that isn't a made up name, I dont know what is
UnjustCoho: Cody Bromley
SingOverMyRadio: Ok, and do we know each other?
UnjustCoho: i don't know who you are yet
UnjustCoho: so please, enlighten me
SingOverMyRadio: well, seeing as how you got my screen name, you must know something about me
UnjustCoho: you were the one who sent me a message first!
SingOverMyRadio: right, and I believe you said that last time you stalked me
UnjustCoho: look, i really don't want to deal with crap like this right now. if you really were one of my friends I'd know this screen name. but for you to come out of the blue and accuse me of being your stalker.. no way mister. no way in hell.
UnjustCoho: tell me who you are, or not. i don't care.
SingOverMyRadio: I am Mr. Walt Whitman.
UnjustCoho: that block buttons looking awfully shiny, and i'm thinking about pressing it.
UnjustCoho: bs, whitman died years ago.
SingOverMyRadio: How dare you recite my poem wrong, and then accuse me of being dead.
UnjustCoho: pick another members of the dead poets sociert
UnjustCoho: *society
UnjustCoho: is that all you got ghost of poetry's past?
UnjustCoho: Come, I will make the continent indissoluble!
UnjustCoho: I will make the most splendi race the sun ever shone upon,
UnjustCoho: *splendid
SingOverMyRadio: I don't feel the need to transcend time and space with you
UnjustCoho: then peace be with you
SingOverMyRadio: and also with you.
UnjustCoho: you always were a crappy poet
UnjustCoho: and i never liked you
UnjustCoho: Leaves of Grass was hardly a compilation
UnjustCoho: you should have stuck to what you did best
UnjustCoho: being an asskisser
SingOverMyRadio: Yes, Emerson truly was the love of my life
SingOverMyRadio: And I wanted only his support and genius with me
UnjustCoho: look i really have no idea to you're true identity. and i'm sure you mistaken by having contacted me. My name is Cody Bromley from Tulsa. OK.
UnjustCoho: i truly feel no need to continue this conversation until you're willing to tell me who you really are
SingOverMyRadio: yet, you've ALSO IMed one of my friends on a separate occasion
UnjustCoho: i never im anyone
SingOverMyRadio: Hmmm class of 07.
UnjustCoho: only my girlfriend
SingOverMyRadio: Broken Arrow High School?
UnjustCoho: yup
UnjustCoho: thats me
SingOverMyRadio: Well, enjoy yourself out in Oklahoma.
UnjustCoho: facebook stalking much?
SingOverMyRadio: I would say the same to you.
UnjustCoho: sire you are truly mistaken.
UnjustCoho: i have not done such a thing
UnjustCoho: mind telling me this other friend's AIM handle?
SingOverMyRadio: Ok. Well, read some more Whitman and think about what it means to be a Poet. Get back to me when you understand that.
SingOverMyRadio: Peace!
UnjustCoho: i don't think i know such a body

Apparently he has ALSO IMed Ryan and webecamethey: he said: "name a more repulsive human being than larry king"  i said:  "Larry david" he said " what? who are you?"

He actually IMed me once before. I think it was over the summer or when school started, and said I IMed him and asked me who I was. It was totally weird. 

I know I haven't updated much. I just don't feel like talking about anything. I'd rather deny every feeling that I feel and drown it all away with alcohol every weekend.

Oh, how Bukowski.

It's so hard to go through day after day pretending that nothing is wrong, and that I'm strong, and I can overcome this heartache. I try with every shard of my heart to pretend that I'm healing, when I'm just regressing into nothing. I deny myself indulgence to tears, or even the thought of needing them. It's so hard to feign smiles and jokes when the only thing in the back of my mind is escaping. I want to escape so badly, and forget about this school, the people, my pathetic nothingness of life here. These mountains depress me an exhaustive amount, and with snow in October, they might as well laugh in my face. 

Yet, I will continue my masquerade, and parade around deluding my pain with the knowledge that at least we're still friends. Even if it's nothing more. Even if we both couldn't make it more, anymore. Time heals all wounds. I've told myself that every day for the past month, and I don't know if I'm questioning it or starting to believe it.

I don't know what sprout this intense lamentation, but I'm going to end it before I trap myself in my mind.

Hawthorne once said: "What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self!" and I agree perfectly with him.